When night falls....

I felt my heart constricting a little when i saw that set of photos.
Was disappointed and sad.
Tracing back, I was thinking it was kind of weird to have not heard about anything at all.

It has been a long time since i faced such disappointment already.
To think that i thought i have long got over it and it wouldn't affect me.
I was proven wrong.

But i forcefully tell myself that it won't affect me,since it doesn't affect anyone else.
And from the many experience that i have gained through the years,
I won't allow this to affect my judgement.

But still.

To do, to not do, is a matter of choice.
And to think that someone else will do it, is an excuse.
So..
Ya, i shouldn't go on further.

Life moves on.

It sets me wondering.

Why and How did it turn out this way.

And now, what should i do that its going this way.

Its that same old problem.

Totally sadded.

Took out my psp this morning and realised that my PSP's screen cracked.
And because of some last minute things that cropped out, i was late for work.

And now, my phone can't detect my memory stick anymore.
So, all the files are gone!.
GONE!.


Sigh.



But on a lighter and happier note.
Happy 21st birthday! Wen jie!

SIAN AH.

6 weeks of holiday has ended and school is starting later on at 9am.

I visted ole and look through the various subject which i am taking.

Damn!!!

And sadly, TO MY HORROR.

ALL PROJECTS!

I will have to, design a flash/animation to promote a product.

I am gonna faint.
Really soon.

Sucky course.

Sorry for being crude.

Mariah Carey - Bye Bye


This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddys, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life rolls on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life rolls on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye

Mamas, daddys, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye, bye.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

Back in school, we used to have so much things to talk about, every single day.
During lessons, during recess, and even during toilet breaks.
So much so that even when we were suppose to listen to lessons, we talk,and ended up getting punished.
Some, even sms people, who were just a few steps away from them.

Frankly, were there seriously so many things to talk about?

Now, as I tried to recall the kind of topic that we used to strike a conversation with.
There were just way too much.

Maybe, as people gets mature, the array of things that one is willing to talk about gets lesser.
Imagine,If i were to go to a friend and begin telling him about the drama on channel 8
that i watched the day before, i am sure he stare at me with curiousity or if not, just look away.

Communication is a chore when the person that we are talking to isn't spontaneous at all.
And the thing that i dread most is the silence when you tried to communicate but to no avail.

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I guess we have all gotten our time table already.
And it sucks.

It's just so imbalance.
Cramping up all my lessons on monday tuesday and wednesday, and making us go back to school on thurday and friday for one and two hours lesson respectively.

And thats not all, on monday, i am only entitled to an hour break for a hectic 9-6 hour lesson.
Next, database, one of the subject that i am taking up, is enough to send me flying.
Needless to say, there are gonna be chunks and CHUNKS of coding for me to digest.

Lastly, there are only 3 lectures each week.
Which pretty much means that i will not be able to pon lessons, like how i used to back then.

Enough of my ranting about my sucky timetable.

I received my third corrective action for having a shortage in my pos of $25.
And i might be facing termination from my work.
Lets see how it goes.


Choices have consequences.
Somethings that you chose to do, might end you up in a place where it will be impossible to salvage anything any more.
Having said that, its all up to oneself.

Was reading through my friend's past entries.
I noticed the difference my responses,and the flow of thoughts while reading them back then and now.
Hahaha.

School's reopening in a week's time, and i feel so discouraged at the thoughts of the amount of workload that i will have to face.
Moreover, the workload that i am going to face in sem 2.1 is said to be much more then what i have faced in the previous sem.
And the rumour regarding the high dropout rates in year 2 pretty much crippled me once more.
But whatever it is, i will just take things slowly.But not too slowly thou.
Hopefully, a mircale will happen, i pray for interesting module.
Or rather, modules that interest me.



On another note, work @ claudia's mom office has stopped temporary because me and xiong will not be free on weekdays from tomorrow onwards.
There are still work left undone and the plan is to go back on of the saturday to get the things all done.
I am feeling suicidal due the the wounds that are on my hands caused by cupboards.
And the syndromes of sickness is surfacing.
What a time to get sick, on the last week of holiday.



So my last week of holiday is dedicated to work and church, leaving only a thursday for me.
And i might giving it a miss to Week 0 briefing and c171 bbq on this coming friday and saturday respectively.



I have been wanting to change my blogskin.
But i am having no inspiration at all.
Guess i will just steal another person's blogskin for now.



Acknowledging that something is wrong is one step towards a solution.
But what you are gonna do about, is the bigger challenge and it determines what kind of person you are, and how important the solution is to you.

If you don't mean what you say, or have no intention of doing it, then don't bother saying it in the first place.

I am not emotional, just sentimental.

Human's relation is a irony.

The stronger the bonding, the more fragile it gets.
Not in a way whereby two will easily fall out with each other over trival things.
But that there will seems to have more trivial things arising as it gets stronger.

Factor contributing, in hand with expectations.
It just cross my mind that perhaps, Selfishness also plays a part as well.
They expect more from others, because they put themselves in front of he/she.

"How could you do this to me?"

"I treated you so well, yet you do this back to ME"

"You should understand ME more then anyone else"

To put it bluntly, you are just beating around the bush to tell that best friend of yours, " Hey, i am more important then you."

It's just another form of self-centerness.

But of course, i am not defending any side here.
When such thing happens, both is at fault.

For the first party,
You should understand that mutual trust important when it comes to building up relationships.
Because, if you trust the person, you should know that he/she will never do it.
Otherwise, if you don't, why did you call he/she your friend?.
And if you cannot even trust or try and understand he/she, what makes you think that you can do something even more?

And as for the second party.
Why do you think the first party will misunderstand you.
Was it your response?
Or is it that the friendship isn't vise-versa?
And if you really did something wrong
Where were you coming out from? is it against your concious?

Ultimately.
One should understand that, you have to furfill your obligation before you start saying you cherish or love someone.
And when the obligation turns free-will
You truely achieve that.

True friends are hard to come.

I shouldnt be so selfish.
And start being self-less.

It's such a contradiction.


People who are self-fish by nature, will find what i have said, TOTALLY invalid.
I used "totally" because you may still find them invalid, because thats what i think.
And no, if you think so, you are certainly not those people that i am referring to.

Abit of frustration

That bit of disappointment

Certainly not very happy

I am trying to be nice.
But realising that people take the "act of being nice" for granted.
It feel so not worth the effort.


But anyway, i am sorry if the chalet didnt turn out too well.


Lastly, it took me long to realise that i dont clique well.


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I was suddenly reminded of what pastor had preached.

In life, there are bound to be dark valleys where we will have to walk through.
But if we just hang on, and keep moving on, soon we will see the light that will bring out of that valley.
Else, you will just be stuck in that valley and never ever, move on.
God is with me.

I am currently addicted to family guy.
Ok, i know, i am slow, cos its like so long already.
But that doesnt stop me from watching it.
Cos it just too plain dirty yellow funny.

Sh!ty's gonna fly off to taiwan pretty soon.
Am gonna ask her to help me do some shopping.
You know, i am so not into shopping, the moment I stepped into a shop, i will become sleepy and so no motivation to continue finding things to buy.
So, i believe her taste, and hopefully, her taste is the same as mine. HAH.

Anyway, regarding the previous post, i think i should really have more confident in myself and believe that i am mature enough and my decisions are right.
And i know, it all boils down to me, what i can be, and who i am.
And not, who i hope to be.
I should really look at what i have, and not what i not have.
Infact, i have more then what i have not, but i was just being too much of a pessimist.

But frankly, i can't help, but to look at my new, and pretty obvious scratches on my handphone screen, and the small crack at the back on my psp and say, "Omg, so xin tong", and at the same time, continue to not taking care of my things by just throwing them around.

who would have thought, after trying and perservering for what i think would be best for me and others, it all meant nothing.



In a state of dilema.

I don't know where is this coming from.



I do believe that people learn from their mistakes, and what that doesnt kill, makes one stronger.
But as much as learning from one's mistakes makes me a better person, its burdering me.

And now, before i make up any decision, i will consider, continuously, and indecisively, not that i don't have a mind on my own, but i am just afraid that i will make that very same mistake again.

Or something similar.

I am feeling afraid, and insecured all over.
I always thought that i am always considerate when it comes to maintaining a win-win situation and even, putting others before me.

But it isn't always the case, there are times where i overlooked certain things, or there are things that just wouldn't work on certain people that have worked on some others.



The more i think about it, the more i feel insecured

What if history repeats itself?
Or what if he/she doesnt share the same view as me? yet again.

It's never ending.

The worst pain is to be taken for granted for the things that you have done and always trying to put in 100%, only to realise that you are only getting no where more then 50% back.
To make the pain even more unbearable is to get misunderstood for doing so much.

Its all the little attitude that makes a difference.

My mind wandering into the darkness. yet again.